Warp Drive

Friday, August 7, 2009

From the Graveyard: The Adventures of Kat McClone

Warning: This story contains a few raunchy bits here and there. Read on at your own offensive risk.

I was planning to begin the From the Graveyard series with my untold E For All Expo 2007 adventure, but in the process, became a bit sidetracked. As some of you may know, my cat Sonic passed away a few months ago. What most of you may not know is that I was once working on a homebrew adventure game starring Sonic as Kat McClone. I have been reluctant to discuss said game because, quite frankly, it was downright awful. However, I am feeling a bit nostalgic now, so bear with me for a moment.

Space Ruckus VI is just around the corner, I swear.

Anyone that visited the Goalsoft website in 2000 may have seen Kat McClone on the logo, and thought to themselves, "What the fuck is this?" Actually, they may have thought that about the website as a whole. Was anyone else still using frames in 2000? Anyway, I am here to clear up at least part of the mystery. I will leave the untold (and uncensored) history of Goalsoft for another time.

In 1998, I became greatly interested in game design, and quickly sunk my teeth into a piece of software known as Klik & Play. It was published by a United Kingdom-based company known as Europress. I kicked around a few game ideas, but only one of them ever saw the light of day. It was a little known game entitled Space Ruckus. Somehow, that sounds so very familiar to me... Where was I? Oh, right...

Every cat in this photo (except for Hershey and Tails on the top right and bottom right, respectively) is now dead.

One of the other game ideas that I kicked around was entitled Star Kat (later known as Space Feline). The story was quite simple. A starship captain named Kat McClone, played by Sonic (not the Hedgehog), is in dire need of a vacation, not to mention a little poontang. Yes, I said poontang. He and his crew make a stop-off on Mogolia I, not to be confused with the Asian country known as Mongolia.

Kit Kat was a mean barkeeper.

Once there, Kat McClone heads straight for the "catina" to knock back a few beers. Honestly, that is how I spelled cantina in the game. As I was under age at the time, it would be unwise to say that I was the one knocking back a few beers, but I digress. Following Kat McClone's exercise in binge drinking, the bartender becomes enraged, and kicks him to the curb.

This is the only interface screenshot that ever existed.

This is where the game begins, or rather, would have begun. Kat McClone, feeling upset (and very much drunk), decides to have a night on the town. Obviously, the game was never finished, so details of this "town" are vague, but since Kat McClone was drunk, I am just going to be cheeky and say that he did not remember that night very well.

Through some course of events, Kat McClone finds himself on a space station orbiting Mogolia III, and learns that his girlfriend is being held captive there. Boss Sinister is a very bad guy. I would have mentioned him sooner, but was too busy with phrases like binge drinking, catina, and poontang. Seriously, though, do not mess with Boss Sinister. He will fuck you up.

Kat McClone narrowly manages to defeat Boss Sinister, and rescues his girlfriend from his evil clutches. They escape in a pod, and set a course for Lynott, Kat McClone's home planet. Hey, wait a minute... What about that crew from earlier? Well, as it turns out, Kat McClone forgot to lock up the starship, and left them stranded on Mogolia I after it was stolen by space pirates. He may be a brave hero, but he has severely short term memory. Besides, who would not become sidetracked when a girl is involved?

What, is this game not bad enough for you?

Anyway, to make a long story short, I never finished that game, and unwanted attention from Something Awful only further discouraged the release. At one point, I retitled the game, Space Feline: The Fucked Up Rescue, and gave Kat McClone a headband and machine gun, but then I read about Conker's Bad Fur Day*, and realized that most of my ideas were more than likely lifted from that.

Wherever Sonic may be now, I hope that he is not playing out one of my dumb ideas for an adventure game.

* Some ideas may have also been lifted from Star Fox 64.

R.I.P. Sonic the Cat (1994 - 2009)

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